There are many, many different forms of abuse in relationships, and not all abuse is physical or blatantly obvious.  

  • Emotional Abuse: The abuser may say horrible things to put you down or hurt your feelings. The abuser may ridicule your values or humiliate you in public. The abuser may threaten to self-harm if you consider leaving the relationship. This form of abuse is not always obvious, but it is a serious and extremely damaging aspect of relationship violence.  
  • Financial/Economic Abuse: The abuser may restrict your access to bank accounts or take complete control of the finances in the relationship. The abuser may monitor your spending or become angry about your purchases. The abuser may ask you to quit your job or deny access to an education.  
  • Verbal Abuse: The abuser may yell at you frequently and say threatening things. The abuser may use their tone to intimidate you or scare you into behaving a certain way.  
  • Physical Abuse: The abuser uses physical violence towards you with the intent of injuring or intimidating you. The abuser physically blocks you from moving freely or exiting the situation. Abusers may also hurt pets and children or break household items.  
  • Sexual Abuse: The abuser may force you to perform sexual acts without your consent. The abuser may grab or touch you without your consent. The abuser may coerce you into completing sexual acts by threatening to cheat or leave the relationship.  

Cycle of Violence

Unhealthy behavior often occurs in a cycle. Relationships typically begin in the honeymoon phase, in which everything is comfortable, happy, and seemingly healthy. Sometimes, relationships can progress through a phase called tension building, in which you may feel like you are walking on egg shells, waiting for the next argument or fight. The acute or abusive stage is the abusive incident (verbal or physical fight, threat, or assault). After an abusive incident, the abuser typically begs forgiveness and promises never to abuse again. This shifts the relationship back into the honeymoon phase and the cycle continues. This cycle tends to progress more quickly with time with the honeymoon phase becoming very brief and the abuse becoming more frequent and severe.  

Red Flags

Relationships come in many different forms: healthy, unhealthy, abusive, and somewhere in between. It can be difficult to determine where your relationship falls on the spectrum. Here are some red flags that may be indicative of an unhealthy situation.  

  • Isolation: Does your partner constantly put down your family and friends? Does your partner become angry when you make time to see your family or friends? Do you feel as if you don’t have the autonomy to see the people you care about without getting permission first? 
  • Controlling behavior: Does your partner get angry when you make decisions or set goals for yourself? Do you feel that you need to consult your partner before you make any decisions? 
  • Extreme Jealousy: Does your partner become extremely jealous when you spend your time with other people? Does your partner check your phone, emails, or phone calls or accuse you of cheating? Does their jealousy automatically mean you did something wrong? 
  • Criticism: Does your partner regularly put you down or make you feel bad about yourself? Does your partner deliberately humiliate you in public?  
  • Hypersensitivity: Is your partner easily insulted? Does your partner get irrationally angry over small and seemingly insignificant things? 
  • Intimidation: Does your partner use fear or threats to scare you into behaving a certain way? Does your partner threaten to hurt you or themselves? 
  • Lack of Accountability: Does your partner take responsibility for their actions? Do they sometimes deny negative actions all together? 
  • Use of force or physical violence :Does your partner use physical force or violence towards you? Does your partner physically block you from moving freely or exiting? 

If these signs are present in your relationship or in your partner, it could indicate that you are in an unhealthy situation. Understand that it takes time to come to terms with this reality and be patient with yourself. It’s important to recognize that the presence of a red flag does not automatically indicate the relationship is abusive. At the end of the day, your concerns are valid, and if you’re worried about your experiences in a relationship, red flag or not, you have a right to express your needs and deserve to have those concerns addressed.

Common Reactions to Relationship Abuse

The first time a person experiences abuse, they may feel: 

  • Shock  
  • Confusion: “How could this happen to me?”   
  • Disbelief: Excusing the behavior, rationalizing it, accepting the abuser’s promise that this will never happen again   
  • Shame: Keeping the incident a secret, feeling ashamed  
  • Outrage  

Victims/survivors of repeated abuse in a relationship often experience:   

  • Fear, Terror: fear of reprisals if they leave or resist, of death, of pain; terror because of the unpredictable nature of the attacks.   
  • Shame, Guilt: the abuser attacks the partner’s sense of accomplishment in various roles (being a good partner, parent, student, etc.) leaving the partner to feel they are failures.   
  • Embarrassment: the partner believes that anyone who discovers the abuse will blame them for causing it or remaining in the relationship. The partner also my be experiencing thoughts like “I can’t believe I let this happen to me or go on for so long”. The partner might perceive the abuse as their fault and thus beembarassedto reach out for help. 
  • Alone, Isolated: since isolation is a very common tactic used in abusive relationships, partners often do not feel emotionally connected with their friends/family and they might not be geographically near them anymore making it challenging to reach out or speak up in times of need. Talking to friends/family is a difficult decision, especially if the partner does not believe they have the resources necessary to leave the relationship.  
  • Helplessness: sets in when the partner believes they cannot fight back or stop the violence.  
  • Ambivalent Love/Hate Feelings: the cycle of violence often leaves the partner in a state of suspended animation and prevents effective action. Most abusers manipulate their partners with loving words and actions. However, it becomes increasingly difficult to reconcile these good qualities with the violence.  
  • Trapped: due to the abuser’s effective use of isolation, the partner may have an extremely limited ability to financially support themselves. When children are involved, the burden is multiplied. In addition, the abuser may have greater resources to impact the outcome of any legal procedures like divorce, property settlements, child custody, etc. Partners often have no access to the family wealth. Bank accounts and credit cards are usually in the abuser’s name, and the only money provided is an allowance.  
  • Lost: if the partner has been prevented from making major decisions in the relationship, they may have no knowledge about dealing with agencies, landlords or other “official” personnel.  
  • Betrayed: by their partner, by helping services who did not help, by friends or family who may have turned away.  
  • Confusion: the partner receives mixed messages from the abuser. After an abusive episode, things return to an almost idyllic state. The abuser is generally calm, loving, attentive, supportive, etc. The abuser is also very rarely abusive to anyone in their life which can generate more confusion for the partner about “why is this happening to me” or “why doesn’t anyone believe me?”.  
  • The belief that the abuser can and will change: because the abuser is not always violent, the partner maintains hope that anger management, therapy, religion, etc. will bring about change. Unfortunately, the abuser knows the abuse is effective and has little incentive to stop. 

Safety Planning

If you suspect that you are in an unhealthy relationship with physical violence or you are concerned that physical violence may develop, it is very important to have a safety plan. A safety plan is a basic framework of your course of action should you decide to leave your partner or if the violence escalates.  

Components of a basic safety plan:  

  • Be aware of your surroundings: if you are concerned about a violent incident occurring, be sure that you are in a room with a clear and accessible exit. Also, be sure that you are not in a kitchen, bathroom, or room that may contain hard surfaces or weapons.  
  • Find a safe way out: In physically abusive relationships, it is important for you to identify a safe way for you to get out of the situation. Identify which doors, windows, elevators, or stairwells you can use and practice this route.  
  • Make a list: Important numbers such as local police, advocacy centers, domestic violence shelters, family, friends, doctors, and/or employers. Determine a list of places you can go if you decide to leave.  
  • Pack a Grab-and-Go bag: Pack a small bag of important items, documents, valuables, and other necessities such as clothes, toiletries, medications, and cash. Keep the bag hidden in your car or at a friend’s house.  
  • Create Code Words: the use of code words can be very useful to discreetly ask for help in the presence of the abuser. Get together with trusted friends or family to determine code words or phrases for “call the police” or “I need your help”. For example, let’s say your code phrase is “I’d love to take a vacation to Fiji” and you say that to a friend during a phone call, they know to call the police (or take whatever action was agreed upon for that specific phrase). Code Words/Phrases need to be distinct enough to remember & not commonplace enough that you risk saying that phrase when you don‘t need help. You also don’t want to arouse suspicion when you say your code word/phrase so create words/phrases that fit your personality & situation.  
  • Tell your neighbors: if you are comfortable, ask your neighbors to call the police if they hear a serious disturbance.  
  • Use your best judgment: You know your partner, their behavior, and their tendencies. If you believe that you are in a dangerous or life-threatening situation, either call 911 if you have the opportunity and can do so safely, or give the abuser what they want to calm them down. Your safety is your priority.  
  • Take care of YOU!: call 911 if you need help. There are also many advocacy centers that can provide support, connect you to safe housing, and help you obtain an order of protection.  

If you are currently an MSU student, staff, or faculty member, you may consider working through the (Safety Planning at MSU Guide)to devise a safety plan specifically for campus life.  

Regardless of the type, intensity, or frequency of abuse, a safety plan is always important. The actions of abusive partners can be unpredictable. It is important to hope for the best but prepare for anything less. 

Orders of Protection

An Order of Protection (commonly known as a Restraining Order) is a document signed by a judge that prohibits the Respondent (abuser) from contacting the Petitioner (survivor) in any way including personal contact, other forms of contact (letter, phone call, text, email, social media, etc.), or via third party (through friends and family). The order also states that the Respondent must stay a specific distance away from the Petitioner, the Petitioner’s home, and the Petitioner’s place of work. The Petitioner may also request that children or other family members be included in the order; the request can be granted or denied at the judge’s discretion.   

When filing for an Order of Protection, you will be asked to include your personal information, personal information about the abuser, and a written narrative of the abuse. The Order of Protection cannot be submitted without this information. When the petition for an Order of Protection is completed, the paperwork will be submitted to a judge to make a decision to grant or deny the order. This process may take one day to one week to complete. When the judge makes a decision, you will be notified.  

If the order is granted, you will obtain a Temporary Order of Protection. Please note that the Temporary Order of Protection will not go into effect until the Respondent is served the order by Law Enforcement Officers. These orders typically last for 20 days. When the Temporary Order of Protection is granted, the judge will also set a court date at which time you can petition for a Permanent Order of Protection.  

In order to petition for a Permanent Order of Protection, you will need to be present during the hearing to come before the judge. You will have the opportunity to testify and make recommendations for the length of the order. The Respondent has the right to attend the hearing and testify as well. After hearing both testimonies, the judge will make the determination to grant or deny the Permanent Order of Protection.  

This process may seem very daunting, but having support can simplify the process. You are encouraged to access the help of HAVEN’s Legal Advocates, ASMSU Legal Services, as well as supportive friends and family members who can help you file the Order of Protection. These resources, in addition to CCR Advocates, can provide support through the hearing process and help you develop a safety plan in the interim.  

To begin the process of filing for an Order of Protection, you can take action on your own or contact the HAVEN Legal Advocate at 406-582-2038 or Campus Civil Rights at 406-994-1568 for support. Please note, HAVEN & CCR Advocates cannot provide legal advice, but they can help you better understand the process and what to expect.  

If you would like to start the process on your own, this is a helpful linkthat will autofill the legal document with your responses. Please note, this link does not submit the paperwork. This means upon completion, you are still responsible for getting the document submitted to the court.