It can be very difficult to hear when someone you care for discloses an experience of discrimination, harassment, or interpersonal violence.  If you are struggling to support someone who has experienced violence, we invite you to contact us.  We can help you process your own feelings and offer the support you need to be strong, respectful, and patient as you support your loved one. 

We are here to help all people affected by sexual violence, discrimination, and harassment.  Let us know how we can support you. 

Although the following video provides considerations to keep in mind when supporting a loved one after a sexual assault, these basic skills also translate to supporting people impacted by relationship violence, stalking, discrimination, and harassment: supporting a loved one after a sexual assault

General Tips for Helping Someone

What to do as a positive support person:

  • Listen: Providing the survivor with a safe space to talk through their feelings without fear of interruption or judgment is very helpful.  
  • Believe: One of the most common reasons people do not seek help or report their experience after an assault is due to the fear if not being believed or being blamed for the incident. Let the survivor know that you believe them.   
  • Support: Many survivors of rape or sexual assault blame themselves for the incident. You can help by assuring the survivor that no one deserves to be assaulted, regardless of their actions. Assuring the survivor that they are not at fault is a very effective way to show your support. 
  • Offer: The process of seeking help can be daunting to a survivor, but the process is much less intimidating if the survivor has support. Offer to help the survivor follow up on resources or offer to go with the survivor for emotional support.  
  • Be aware: The survivor has just experienced significant trauma and violation. Be sure to monitor your body language, verbal language, and proximity to the survivor. It is in your best interest to remain neutral and let the survivor guide your interactions.  
  • Give power back: discrimination, harassment, or interpersonal violence in itself, can be a traumatic loss of control.  During an assault, an individual’s right to make decisions about their body and control the contact they have with another person is destroyed.  After the assault, this loss of control may result in difficulty making decisions or asserting feelings and needs.  As a support person, you can help to restore some of their power and control by letting the survivor choose their course of action. You can offer resources to help the survivor, but be careful not to pressure the survivor into anything they do not want to do (reporting to police, seeking medical attention, etc.) The process of healing is very personal and the survivor ultimately knows what is best for them.  

What to say as a positive support person:

When someone you care about discloses an experience of sexual assault, it can be difficult to know what to say. If you are lost for words, here are some supportive, helpful things you can say:  

  • “I believe you” 
  • “I am sorry this happened” 
  • “This is not your fault”  
  • “I am here for you”  
  • “Are you okay?” 
  • “Do you want me to come with you to get help?” 
  • “I’m not sure what to say, but I’m glad you told me” 

What may be harmful? Things to avoid as a support person: 

Victim Blaming: the act of blaming the victim for the crime that was committed against them. Victim blaming attitudes marginalize the survivor and make it harder to come forward and report sexual assault. If the survivor feels that they are being blamed for the assault, the survivor will not feel comfortable coming forward and talking to you. In some instances, victim blaming can create trauma equal to or greater than the assault alone.  

  • Examples of victim blaming:  
    • “Why were you walking alone?” 
    • “What were you wearing?” 
    • “Were you drinking?” 
      • The bottom line is: regardless of any behavior displayed by the survivor, the decision to rape or assault is that of the perpetrator. The survivor is never at fault for rape or sexual assault.  

 

Directive Speech: Telling the survivor what to do or forcing the survivor into making certain decisions may be harmful to the survivor.  When someone has experienced sexual assault, they lost the power and ability to be in control of the situation. When a survivor feels that they are being forced to do something (report to police, go to the hospital), it continues to feel that they are out of control and can lead to further trauma.  

  • Examples of directive speech: 
    • “You have to report this, what if he/she does this to someone else” 
    • “You should go to the hospital” 
    • “Tell me who did this to you” 
      • It is best to refrain from any directive language. You can always offer options and offer your support; however, the steps in the healing process are ultimately the survivor’s decision.  

 

Violating Confidentiality: When a survivor discloses sexual assault to you, it means they are trusting you with a very serious and traumatic aspect of their life. Violating that trust by sharing information about the survivor or their experience can be devastating.  

  • Examples of violating confidentiality:  
    • Confronting the perpetrator  
    • Sharing details about the assault with friends or family 
    • Talking about the assault without the permission of the survivor 
      • If you are struggling with what to do or how to help the survivor, it is best to talk with confidential professionals for guidance. MSU Counseling and Psychological Services will be happy to assist you in a safe and confidential space. 

Good to know as a positive supportperson: whatsurvivors experience 

  • What just happened? 
    •  After a sexual assault, many survivors try to rationalize what happened to them. They may be confused about what to do, what to think, and how to proceed.  
  • Was this my fault? 
    • Most survivors of sexual assault tend to blame themselves for the assault as a way of rationalizing what has happened to them.  
  • What will people think?  
    • One of the most common fears among survivors of sexual assault is the fear of what other people will think. Many survivors are afraid of being blamed for the assault or not being believed.  
  • What do I do now?  
    • After a sexual assault, survivors may be in shock and wondering where to turn. Some survivors may want to immediately seek help whereas other survivors may not want any help.  
  • What about the perpetrator? 
    • 89% of rape and sexual assault crimes are committed by someone that the survivor knows; an acquaintance, friend, family member, significant other, or authority figure. Many survivors decide not to report or move forward because they are afraid of the repercussions from the perpetrator. 

How to be Supportive: Relationship Violence Specific

Possible Signs someone you care about is in an abusive relationship: 

  • Isolation: is the person restricted from seeing certain people, family, or friends? Does this person rarely go out in public without their partner? Does this person tend to make excuses for their own or their partner’s behaviors? 
  • Low self-esteem or self-worth: Does this person take the blame for everything bad in the relationship? Has this person been putting themselves down or showing major personality changes? 
  • Physical appearance: Has this person changed their general appearance or grooming habits? 
  • Physical injuries: Does this person have unexplained bruises and cuts on their bodies or bald spots on their scalp? 

If these signs and changes are present in your friend or loved one’s behavior, you are likely very worried for them and may not know how to help. Educating yourself about abusive relationships and taking care of yourself are absolutely key. Please know there are resources available to help! 

What to doas a support person:

  • Don’t be afraid to reach out and express your concern for the person. Do so with kindness and curiosity (as opposed to shame, blame, anger, etc.) 
  • Be supportive, caring, and listen without judgment. 
  • Acknowledge and validate their feelings 
  • Help the person realize that the abuse is not normal and it’s not okay. No one deserves to be abused.  
  • Be respectful of their decisions.  
  • Understand that they know their partner better than you do. DO NOT contact or confront the abuser.  
  • Help them to develop a safety plan.  
  • Connect your friend or loved one to community resources like Campus Civil Rights or HAVEN  
  • Whether the person in this situation decides to stay in the relationship or leave, continue to support them. 

Why people stay in unhealthy relationships:

A person who has suffered relationship abuse is often very confused about the relationship and can be hesitant to leave the abusive partner. From the standpoint of a friend or loved one, this can be extremely difficult to understand. These are some of the reasons that the person may be unable or unwilling to leave an abusive partner:  

  • Fear of Safety: The most dangerous time for a victim of relationship violence is when they are leaving the abusive partner. The violence tends to escalate and the person leaving may be at risk of serious injury or death. 
  • Finances: A person in an abusive relationship may depend on their partner financially. If the abusive partner has control of the bank accounts, housing leases/mortgages, automobile titles, or health care, the person trying to leave the relationship could end up with nothing.  
  • Love/Hope: A person suffering in an abusive relationship may still love their partner. Relationships rarely start out in unhealthy ways and the person may be holding out for the pre-abuse relationship to return.  
  • Guilt/Blame: Abusers tend to make their partners believe that the problems in the relationship are their fault.  
  • No Support System: Abusers often isolate their partners from their friends and family, such that the abusive partner becomes the only support. It is extremely difficult for a person to leave an unhealthy relationship if they believe they have no one else to lean on.  
  • Responsibility: Abusers tend to manipulate their partners into believing that they are responsible for the abuser’s physical and emotional well-being. Many people in unhealthy relationships feel that they are the only person who can understand and care for the abuser, and they feel responsible for making the relationship work.  
  • Children or Pets: If the partners have children or pets together, the abusive partner may threaten the other partner with taking away or hurting the child or pet.  

There are many concerns and obstacles surrounding the decision to leave an abusive partner; but in the long run, the decision must be made by the person in the abusive relationship since it is their safety and livelihood at stake. Additionally, a decision is most impactful, and most likely to hold, if the choice comes from within. It is essential that support persons are not replicating power dynamics witnessed in the abusive relationship (e.g. taking away autonomy, forcing individuals to make decisions they don’t want, etc.) Be there to support them through the process and try to understand how difficult this decision can be.  

Safety Planning with your friend or loved one:

If physical violence is present in a relationship or you are nervous that physical violence will develop, it is extremely important to have a safety plan. This plan will outline the steps that will be taken in any situation, whether the person in the unhealthy relationship decides to stay with or leave the abusive partner.  

Components of a Basic Safety Plan: 

  • Help them prepare a Grab-and-Go bag: Organize their important papers and legal documents in a file, and pack a change of clothes, some cash, toiletries, and any other valuable items into a discreet bag they can grab in a hurry if they decide to leave.  
  • Make a contact list together: Important numbers such as the police, advocacy centers, family, friends, doctors, and/or employers. Determine a list of 4 places they can go if they decide to leave and arrange meetings with these locations/people.  
  • Find a safe way out: In physically abusive relationships, it is important to identify a safe way for the person to get out of the situation. Identify which doors, windows, fire escapes, elevators, or stairwells they could use.  
  • Determine code words: The use of code words can be very useful for the person in the abusive situation to discreetly ask for help in the presence of the abuser.  Determine code words or phrases for “I need help” or “call the police”. For example, let’s say the code phrase is “I’d love to take a vacation to Fiji” and the survivor says to you during a phone call, you know to call the police (or take whatever action was agreed upon for that specific phrase). Code Words/Phrases need to be distinct enough to remember & not commonplace enough that they risk being said when help is not needed. You also don’t want to arouse suspicion when the code/phrase is used, so it’s important to create words/phrases that fit the personality & situation of the survivor. 
  • Establish a time frame: If the person in the abusive situation decides to leave, establish a time frame in which to communicate. For example, “If I don't hear from you in twenty minutes, I will call _________.”  
  • Have a backup plan: help the person formulate an alternate plan if something goes wrong. Go through all the scenarios and come up with a way out in all situations.  
  • If the person is an MSU student, staff, or faculty member, consider working through the (Guide to Safety Planning at MSU) together to devise a safety plan for campus life.  

Regardless of the type, intensity, or frequency of the abuse, a safety plan is ALWAYS important. The actions of abusive partners can be very unpredictable. It is important to hope for the best, but prepare for anything less. 

How to be Supportive: Stalking Specific

  • Listen: Actively, attentively, and non-judgmentally. Someone who is experiencing stalking may feel very scared and vulnerable and it is important for them to verbalize their feelings and be heard. Assure the survivor that their feelings are valid and that the stalking behavior is not okay.  
  • Believe: Some survivors are afraid of what others will think when they disclose their experiences of stalking. Many survivors disclose being afraid of being blamed for the stalking or being told that they “led the stalker on” or are exaggerating the severity of the stalking behaviors. It can be very helpful to tell the survivor that you believe them, and that the stalking is not their fault.  
  • Support: Let the survivor know that you support their decisions and that you are willing to help them. You can offer options and help them find resources such as advocacy centers or law enforcement. You can also offer to accompany them to events, classes, or while running errands; people who experience stalking may greatly appreciate having someone with them, so there is less risk of being confronted by the stalker.